Or as I like to call you, leap of faith.
(via Flickr: Claire Bear.)
You came up in conversation the other day with a friend, and I have to be honest, it wasn’t pretty. She’s worried about me, you see…worried for me and this twisted bond you and I share. She tried to convince me that you were a bad influence on me, always leading me to some kind of hurtful outcome. But, for some reason, I found myself defending you. I mean…I’ve always been the type to take the road less traveled; to not want to settle; to hunt down that so much more, even if it meant giving up comfort and security for a shot of over reaching to greater happiness. It seemed like all that was reason enough for you to be the greatest friend. I know we’ve been through so much together, but for some reason I can’t shake off that conversation. And so it got me thinking…
It’s always a game of blind trust with you isn’t it? You nudge me to put aside logic and reason, expect me to close my eyes, and give in to your realm of unpredictable outcomes. But you, my friend, are a world of riches and ruins driven by the concepts of chance and fate, convincing me constantly that it’s ok to gamble. I have yet to decide whether you’re even a good friend to me. You intercept me at my crossroads, fill my head with “what if’s” and “no regrets,” and in no time, I am holding your hand, blindly trusting again.
I guess you could say it’s my fault. After all, you’re character is really of no mystery to anyone. They say you’re inconsistent, maybe even dangerous; that you will, more often than not, lead to some kind of unpleasant or unwelcome outcome. They say it’s foolish to get carried away in the momentary freedom you make me feel when I let go of inhibitions and walk in your footsteps; that it’s better to play it safe than to follow your lead. But for some reason I can’t stop trusting you. I keep thinking maybe…just maybe if I follow you off of that cliff one last time, you’ll lead me to the greener grass on the other side. But it’s times when you lead me into thunderstorms that make me weary of relying on you. Times when you convince me to jump, but never guarantee me a safety net. Times when you leave me to free-fall into a dark abyss where you eventually hurl me into your cousin, experience. No…it’s really no fun at all.
You should know that, quite frankly, our friendship is on very thin ice. I try to give you the benefit of the doubt, understand you and see the good you can give. But this is all beginning to feel a little one-sided. So, as you’ve noticed, I’ve taken a few steps back from you. I need my space. But you don’t seem to understand because here you are again! Knocking at my door, dangling another opportunity that you swear I shouldn’t miss.
What makes you think I’ll trust you again? Another leap of faith, after you left me for dead last time? No, no…we’re not playing by your rules this time. We’re playing by mine. Yes, that means precautions. Yes, that means rules. Yes, that means no one gets hurt…all the things you seem to love overlooking.
Let’s get one thing straight…I’m not happy with you. In fact, it’s probably best we part ways right here, right now! But I’m willing to give you one last chance. I’ll jump. But this time, you better make sure you catch me.
: : : So what if it hurts me? So what if I breakdown? So what if this world just throws me off the edge, my feet run out of ground? I gotta find my place. I want to hear my sound. Don’t care about all the pain in front of me, cause I’m just trying to be happy : : :
— Happy, Leona Lewis —