Exactly a year ago, today, I was sitting in my boss’ office in tears, horribly broken, lost, confused, and absolutely dreading the long months that lay ahead of me. I remember hoping for time to pass quickly so that I could see myself a year from that moment. Surly I’d be in a better place, where I knew what I was doing and where I was headed. I’d be more put together.
Alas, here I am a year later and I don’t intend to disappoint, but aside from the messy tears and brokenness, I am just as lost and confused.
It’s been a month and a half since my last post and dare I report, dear readers, that nothing’s changed. If anything, I graduated and successfully delved deeper into utter aimlessness. How’s that for accomplishment?
For the first time in eight years, I’ve moved back home to my old room with the pink Barbie dream house that I still can’t bring myself to give away. I refused to work right away because I believed I was entitled to some sort of vacation. But instead, I’m stuck with a 10:30 curfew, living in a compound with not much to do, and surrounded by people in the general age group of either below 17 or above 35.
Do I have direction? A plan? A hint as to what I was doing in life? None at all. And it hit me…I am nowhere near the person I idealized myself to be just a year earlier.
I have to admit, this mentality took a toll on me. I suddenly felt like I was bombarded with TONS of time to reflect on myself…time I didn’t want and didn’t ask for. And whereas most people kill to have this opportunity, where they can finally do the things they constantly put off in hopes of “more time,” I have absolutely nothing.
But here I was, forced to reflect and I realized that, since that day in the office, I have hit both my ultimate low point and ultimate peak. I spent the entire year picking up broken pieces of myself and putting them back together, not realizing that I was building a totally different person.
I wish I could say that, after that experience I’m more grounded and mature, but I’m really not. So, yes Universe, you were right. Maybe I do need a bit of self-discovery.
On an optimistic note, I can safely say that for the first time, I finally feel like this aimlessness might just do me some good. And whereas I spent the last couple of months trying to run away from it, I think I’m done running for now.
: : : I’m in love with the present tense. Making plans is overrated. And I don’t speak in guarantees…or at least not the kind that you need : : :
— Who You Are Without Me, Kate Voegele —