So much has happened since I’ve graduated. Oh no don’t worry I wont go on listing and explaining everything into complete detail. But I can’t avoid acknowledging it either.
Everything came as such a rush and I have to admit it left me completely worn out (aside from the hospitalization that is). I remember when I had just gotten home, it was barely three days with my mom and she had already seen a complete change in me. Of course being the mother she is (completely a good thing I promise), she wasn’t prepared to watch me get sucked into a change she didn’t like. It hurt…the things she said. She said that at one point I had been a flower…constantly blooming and all the other analogies you can think of that describes the most beautiful of things. But when I came back from university I was nothing like that anymore…that I had become “wilted.” I must have cried for days just replaying that comment over and over in my head. Not because of the fact it was a terrible comment…but more so because I knew it was true.
As if that could be the end of the scrutiny, I had finally seen my brother again for the first time in 5 months and of course he came back bearing gifts. One of my gifts was a beautiful handmade journal, with hand made papers. Completely authentic; the exact kind of thing I’m in love with. On the very first page he wrote “To my baby sister. Along your path never forget who you are, because in the end that’s all that matters.”
Was I that transparent? Would it even be a complete exaggeration to describe myself as broken?
It has been almost two months since these realizations hit me like a big slap on the face…Some kind of wake up call insisting that I was better than this…that I COULD be better than this. And the worst part was that I had completely forgotten what it was like to simply be…me. It’s not ’til just recently that I finally feel for the first time since I’ve graduated that I’m starting to become that better person again.
It feels so good to write again…to draw like I used to…to read like there are never going to be enough books in the world…to be completely intertwined in the desire for so much more.
Haha it feels like I’ve given a complete new meaning to the phrase “finding yourself.” And I honestly don’t care how exaggerated it sounds…but it just feels SO good to finally feel like I’m Me.
: : : Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window, let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you could almost taste it, release your inhibitions : : :
— Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield —